Friday, June 17, 2011

I have never thrown away a vial of insulin. Not one. I have so many. I am not sure what I am hanging onto them for. I had a few ideas of what I would do with them and Im not sure I want to now.
At one point I was going to fill them with something special, and maybe sell them for a a fundraiser, but I never knew what.
I have hundreds of vials. Fat little Novolog vials, and Long Lantus vials, maroon decoreated Humalog vials... Hundreds.
They take up space...
I open the drawer that I keep them in and I am not sure what I am going to do with them, so I shut the drawer.
I sometimes gaze at them and think about how these little glass bottles have affected our lives.
They have all had a copay.. ten dollars, twenty dollars, a dollar, depending on the insurance we carried at the time... I dont keep them because of the money... they have no monetary value.
Most of them have a date written on them... either in permanent marker, or in pen, on a small piece of torn paper, and fastened under a tegaderm. The date it was opened.
My sons life, accessed through a rubber stopper... day after day after day.. month after month, a needle, plunged through rubber...
and it leaves no trace at all....
Not one tiny dot, the route to his survival... and the eye cannot see it.
Still, air tight after accessed.... Like it never happened... like the diabetes is from a different reality, and like it it was never there.... a whisper in a crowd.

My husband knows not to throw them away. He tried once...
but I cant, somehow...
I just need them...
They are a comforting, somehow...
and they are in a drawer.

and one day, I will know exactly what I am supposed to do with them...

22 comments:

linda@type1network said...

Who knows, those vials may come in handy someday...
eccentricity often gives way to genius.

Would you like to comment on our new blog? see www.type1network.com

katy said...

This is powerful. I'm new to diabetes--I love finding a good blog. I'm grateful.

Karen said...

I love your blog and can so relate to what you son has gone through. I have gone through periods where I did't want to do anything about it either. I just wanted to give up. You sound like a great mom and I love your writing style.

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shahrukh said...

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juniorperkins said...

at night i sit and think about how great life is and then the stress of the diabeates.. i recently changed my behavior because i never went to school i did bad stuff didnt care about life just went with the flow a bad flow..and then this year i have been to school every day, no absences good grades started wrestling, friendsand peers have seen how muched im trying and are proud, im proud. But then i realize everything is going good im very motivated at school and sports and motivated about how great i want my future to be, i wanna work AND SUCCEEd, have a family nice home everything a good future would look like...but then at night when every body is sleeping waiting to wakeup and see what the day brings them im thinking i have type one diabetes im doing good at what i should be doing like, school but i think im stuck in this fanstasy life of thinking im a normal person without diabetes and i just remembered i have not been taking care of my self i dont even check my blood sugar i eat whenever i want then my blood get high and i just randomly take insuling to bring it down but the not right amount then it get low and ill eat to much to get it up. My mom is always watching me asking if im taking care of myself, i say yea i tell her im doing good, she wakes me up everyday before she goes to work and wakes me up to see if im ok, i get annoyed of it but i know she does it because she loves and cares for me shes a great parent shes doing her part but i havent been doing mine.i put so much motivatin into school and sports but i cant put that motivation into taking care of myself.im 15 dreaming big but i now realise my big dream arent going to happen if i dont take care of my self. this past weekend i wrestled bad because of not eating to lose wieght but you cant do that when you have diabetes but i did the result embarresment shame dissapointment, i told my couch i was fine i just needed to eat but i went back to think oh im okay but then it kept happening . the embarresment is all the people watching me wrestle and having to stop the match to drink a soda then lose the match, i overhead a gruop of kids making fun of me and laughing, i was so pissed, i said to myself i wont let this ruin all the great stuff i have been doing , like im doing good at school i dont wanna get into trouble. i need to quit being a pussy? is what others would see it as but they dont know i have diabetes. they dont know im not taking care of myself, but that shouldnt be stopping me becuase i know there is a bunch of other athletes who have diabetes and suceed and they dont let there diabetes beat them, they beat it.Wheres my motivation at? i know for a fact i can easily take of my diabetes and be perfectly fine. But why havent i been doing so? I dont know, maybe ive been so focused on suceeding in school i forgot that i had to take of myself.Ofcousre when i me sick i know its there and i take the neccesary actions but the point is im not doing it all right. i told my mom to cancel my doctors appointment invegas just because it was on a monday and i didnt want to mess up my perfect attendence and now i dont have an appointed for three months but i could request one. we have to drive three hours to las vegas to see the doctor, shes a great dotcor very proffesional. I guess my point is wheres my motivation i know i have it but i havent put to action, im sitting here stressing myself about it and why? i dont know. this is life and some of its struggles. help me.

Kev Stevens said...

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Faris said...

As a mom to another, what keeps you up at night when it comes to TYPE 1?

tikiwood said...

I am a mom with a son who is type 1, 10 yrs old. He is an athlete too. Just wanted to thank you for your post. Sometimes it is hard to know what my son is going through. It is ALOT to juggle. Sometimes it feels like something has to give. Try to set up a schedule or find a place at school you feel comfortable testing. Ask your mom for help. She is trying to let you be independent, but you don't need to manage it alone. You are not alone. She probably would love to hear what you are going through and might have some ideas.

Electronic Medical Records said...

It is very hard to see your own dear one suffer.And I pray God give you the strength to bear the pain which he has given.Sometimes the diseases get beyond medication.

diyanaa said...

Hi,
Thanks for sharing this nice stuff. This is very helpful for me. Very clear and eye opening article!
this is very informative who are affected by diabetes. My dad had diabetes from last 5 months he follow below mention tips

Diabetes Prevention Tips:

1) Lowering sugar sources: cakes, cookies, sugar in coffee or tea, sweets.
2) Eating more meals during the day, and snacks to balance blood sugar.
3) Keeping body fat in check through exercises and walking.
Here is a good link to look at a more detailed statistical perspective: http://www.byediabetes.com/

thanks again!

Anonymous said...

Some of the comments people posted are irritating... haha type 1 is NOT the same as type 2! Anyway, I'm a mother of a T1D and I have to say, I like that you have kept all those vials and i think you should make a craft out of them. You should make a table or a 3dpicutre in a frame like people do with corks. How cool would that be? :)

Diabetes Medical Supplies said...

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Anonymous said...

Believe it or not, the diabetic does not have to be " on the dark side" with some effort and some special help ...

I've said what follows at various times in the past but I think it's worth repeating.

Having to live with type 1 diabetes is definitely a nuisance, but it doesn't need to be a serious problem. There is certainly no need for a type 1 diabetic to lose heart and become resigned to living a less than perfect life. Work does need to be done by the person to attend to the condition, but the work is not difficult. With good guidance from those with knowledge, and perseverance on the part of the diabetic, a normal life is easily.

OK, so without treatment the diabetic can' survive. But that's not a problem these days because treatment is available. Diet isn't a problem either, the diabetic can eat anything that an ordinary person can (even sugar!). Physical activity isn't curtailed in any way. There aren't many things at all that a diabetic cannot do, a few examples are joining the armed forces, driving a PSV and piloting a powered aircraft. But do we really care?

All the tools required to handle diabetes exist already and technology is advancing all the time, giving promise of even better things to come. But I said earlier that success in living with diabetes requires effort from the person concerned. The effort is quite basic really, and not at all difficult; it just needs to be done without fail. And the result, complete fitness! So what's involved? Balance.

Carbohydrate food forces the blood sugar level up. Insulin drives the level down. All the diabetic needs to do is balance the two effects. How? Record the carbs in the meal to come, calculate how much insulin is needed to deal with the carbs, inject that dose and all will be well. Do a blood sugar test now and again to make sure things are working. If the blood test shows an abnormal reading, do a couple of calculations to reveal how much more insulin (or food) is needed to put things right. And this is all the diabetic needs to do to keep the blood sugar on track.

At this point I can imagine the reader thinking "How on earth can I be expected to handle all this? Calculate? How? I'm looking for help, not extra problems!" Never mind for the moment how this is all achieved, as you'll see there is a very easy way to do all this. What I want to emphasise at this stage is that the method is easy and, if attended to with perseverance, will keep your blood sugar very close to where it should be.

So what about the method? What does the diabetic do? Obtain software to use on a portable computer so the calculating facilities are always to hand. Input quickly and easily the carbs in each meal. Enter blood sugar test results following each test. Let the software work out how your blood sugar will rise and fall. Let the software calculate whether more insulin or food is needed to stabilise your blood sugar at 5 mmol/l. Inject, or eat, the suggested amount. Enter the amount for the software to store and use in later calculations. This might sound long winded but it's as easy as using a satnav.

So where does the software come from? There are several on the market. The one I'm using is Pathfinder and it works perfectly. Have a look on eBay under Pathfinder Diabetes Blood Sugar Control Software.

Diabetes Medical Supplies said...

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Jeff said...

Hi Jen,

I was wondering if you accepted any guest posting on your site. I couldn’t manage to find your email on the site. If you could get a hold of me at jeff@drugwatch.com, I would greatly appreciate it!

Thanks,
-Jeff

Misti said...

I wish you would blog more. I have a 9 year old son who was diagnosed a year and a half (already?) ago and it's like you know both of us.

James said...

Hi – Will you please post a link to your important Blog at The Type 1 Diabetes Community at vorts.com? Our members will really appreciate it.
Members include: Those living with Type 1 Diabetes, their families, friends, experts and support groups.
It's easy to do, just cut and paste the link and it automatically links back to your website. You can also add Articles, Photos, and Videos if you like.
Email me if you need any help or would like me to do it for you. I hope you consider sharing with us.
The Type 1 Diabetes Community: http://www.vorts.com/type_1_diabetes/
Thanks,
James Kaufman, Editor

James said...

Hi – Will you please post a link to your important Blog at The Type 1 Diabetes Community at vorts.com? Our members will really appreciate it.
Members include: Those living with Type 1 Diabetes, their families, friends, experts and support groups.
It's easy to do, just cut and paste the link and it automatically links back to your website. You can also add Articles, Photos, and Videos if you like.
Email me if you need any help or would like me to do it for you. I hope you consider sharing with us.
The Type 1 Diabetes Community: http://www.vorts.com/type_1_diabetes/
Thanks,
James Kaufman, Editor

Jen said...

Aw. Thanks. I keep.thinking of writing.... its a time thing really. I sure appreciate the comments and find that very motivating!

Jen said...

Thank you!

Jen said...

Cool idea!