Today has started off on all the wrong feet. Well... actually, it started off alright. We got my husband off to work with a minute or two to spare. That was nice. No stress there. Then I came home and made Nolans lunch menu out. First I checked my email to see if the guy from the community schools had emailed me carbs on the new items coming up this week. He had not, So I had to wing it anyway.
But Nolan, in his 4th grade, one track mind... was just not going to get anything done today.
First it was blood sugar. "what was your sugar, did you check it, will you check it, will you check it now, will you please put down the balloon and check your blood sugar. Nolan, check your sugar, check it now." After five minutes, I ask once again, "What is your blood sugar?" as I enter the room and see him bouncing a balloon off of the dogs head, his kit sitting on his lap, zipped up, and he whines loudly with his back to me, "I"M CHECKING!!!!!!!"
"NO YOU"RE NOT!!!!!" I yell, because I have had it. I have told him a billion times, I have nagged, I have begged, I have done all I can to light a fire under the kids ass. But he just wont.
I give him pants. I tell him six times to put them on, and to put them on now, while I am trying to look up his carbs online. Every time I let a minute go inbetween. Plenty of time to put pants on. He emerges from the bathroom, (his dressing room) with bare legs, no pants.
The same goes with shoes.
Then the backpack.
I happen to see that his site looks like it is about to come out. I think about letting it stay one more day, but then I think about getting a call at my new job to come change a site. No, we have 15 minutes, we can do a site change in 15 minutes.
So, here we go again.
"nolan, get me a site please"
down to seven minutes, I am still searching for carbs online while intermittently helping Patrick with his sticking up hair, and knots in shoes, etc.
"Nolan Come ON!"
he yells back, "I AMMMMMM!!!"
but he's not. I find the evidence later that he is playing around with kitchen utensils that look like eggs with eyes on them.
Eventually all gets done. But not until I am at my wits end, and we are one minute late for school. Again.
So, in a last ditch effort to pound something into his head, I scream at him. I scream and I swear, and I hollar and I let him have it, all the way to school, the whole 4 block ride, the car is filled with the loud verbalization of my vile feelings of frustration and anger, disbelief, and... well, anger. I ask Patrick if he likes being late when his brother is farting around. Only I didnt say farting.
I pitted my kids against each other. Mother of the year material right here. I told him I loved him, but that he was driving me to the brink of insanity.
The whole time, torn with guilt at my own frustration, and my inability to give my kid soem sense of being loved when I drop him off for school.
Nolan gets out of the car, and pushes the door shut on his brother, who is trying to get out. The door bounces off of Patricks foot, and I flared.
'GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!" I screamed.
Then I gave Nolan yet another verbal lashing about his attitude. And when I saw it in his eyes, the defeat, the dejected look... I started to cry. He then looked shocked and more hurt... guilty too. He turned around and walked into school, shoulders slumped, totally cooked.
Oh god.
what have I done?
And I cried all the way home.
The guilt of hurting your own childs feelings is immeasurable.
I cant stand myself today.

Referrals.

Blah. The remainder of this pregnancy will now be referred to as, "my 40 week immunosupressant" I said it today to my sons endocrinologist's Nurse, Cheryl. I was in rare form. It just came out of my mouth that way, because... thats what it feels like... That is my reality, and making fun of it makes it SO much easier to deal with. Cheryl really liked that one. I also had to get on the phone trying to get a fax number for Aetna. I ended up getting to the wrong department, and the guy would not give me the fax number... He said he didnt have it. "come on buddy, stand up from your desk and ask the guy next to you what it is then, would ya?" I wanted to say that. The guy was saying that he couldnt give it to me, and would have to transfer me to a department that was soley formed for the sake only of giving out the fax number to people like me. Cheryl and the gal following her that day for training walked in at that point. I was showing off a little, because I know Cheryl spends all day on the horn with jerks like this guy... I cant act jerky at work either, so I do it when I can. Poor Cheryl is holding on Queues like I was all the time for patients like us, just to get things covered.
So, like I said... I was showing off. "So, you cant give me the fax number, but you can transfer me to someone who can??? How come you dont get a company directory like that person does? Do you have to earn Tenure first?"
The guy was mad. "I just dont have it go give to you!" He said shortly.
"They should empower you." I said. "youre a human being, you know? You seem pretty smart to me... I think they are selling you short. Yes I will hold"
Cheryl laughed, and so did her trainee. I looked at her. "he cant give me the fax number" I shrugged.
Well, he deserved it. He chose to work in the corrupt innards of an insurance company. I dont feel sorry for him. He has to break hearts all day long.

The fact is simple. Insurance comanies make more money by NOT paying for you and your selfish illness all the time. How dare you get sick and have insurance, what an outrage... What about the poor CEO's at these insurance companies who have daughters turning thier sweet 16 and want thier party on MTV, and therefore HAVE to fork over half a million for the entertainment alone? How can you look those poor girls in the eyes, as they tell thier chauffer to take them to the party planners to put down a deposit, and explian to them that they cant have 500 grand for entertainment, but have only 500 grand for the whole party? Do you want to be the one to do that???
WHO just said, "with all my might.." ???? OH that was me.
So, how about you people sucking it up some, and living with a little less for a minute here, and lay off on the insurance company. How in the heck are they supposed to run a successful profiteering business while people like you are filing new claims for "new and better" diabetes options. Settle down, people!!! It is JUST diabetes, Take your shot and suck it up, how 'bout???

So today, I felt like giving insurance companies a little hell. So I did. All in the name of good fun. I guess if I call and waste a little of thier employees time with things they are not able to do... and sass mouth, then it will cost them a little cash somehow down the line...
and i am gonna get that from them one way or another.

I have come up with ways to cost them cold hard cash.

1. go to the ER for slivers and such.
2. Go to teh E.R. for low blood sugars. (after you treat of course) Do it every time. Youjust want to make sure there was no brain damage.
3. Have your doctor order more blood glucose strips. They cost a buck each. Ten a day for 30 days is... well, I dont have a calculator, but I bet thats more than like say... fifteen dollars or something. My doc ordered us 12 a day and thats what we get. I might up it soon. Two can play at thier game.
4. call the number and tie up the lines all the time with stupid questions, call to see if they got a bill yet. Call and ask what time it is. Find someone you like there and call.
5. Find out what your insurance company will cover for tests and labs, how often, and then ask your doctor to write a letter of medical necessity for twice that amount. At the very least, make sure that you get those tests as OFTEN as they will cover it.
6. Date an employee for inside company info.. if you are single, or you are sure your spouse wont mind.
7. file appeals for anything that is denied. They will pay a doctor a load of money to find a reason to deny you coverage. Then find out how much money they paid that doctor, (and I dont know any doctor that does anything for less than a grand) and then call them and ask them for a price comparison: which is more, paying for my 1000 dollar piece of medical equiptment... or paying six doctors a few grand each to fins reasons to deny coverage? and then say, "because we can keep doing this..."


Those are all I can think of. Fight your dirty insurance company, and bad bad insurance doctors and nurses. They have no soul left... if they ever had one.

And have a laugh about it.

What sucks.

I was feeling better. A lot better, Thanks to Mr. Zofran, Mr. Zantac and a lot of rest. I got back to near normal functioning level. I worked all week, and the only time I got a little sick was after dinner on the night shift, wednesday. I went home and barfed my guts out a few hours later. Blamed it on hyperemesis gravidarum. They say its rare, but I dont feel like the chosen one... That is for certian. After this baby, I am having my tubes tied, cauterized, torn out and beaten in front of other peoples tubes to make and example of them. Yes I really am thinking about that.
One thing I have been doing that makes this blog pertainent is checking my sugars here and there, all willy nilly like. I dont do my glucose tolerance test for another 4 weeks, so I have been checking. My post prandials are good, usually between 80 and 110. Pretty nice, except for the fact that I only eat very small portions at a time these days, and only a couple times a day-- lecture someone else-baby's doing fine.
But one thing consistent with the pregnancy and possibly me in general is that I have elevated fasting bgs. Usually around 118, 116, nothing TOO worrisome, (yes my doctor knows)but I have been noticing lately that number is creeping up.
Today was 135. And my post prandials are getting to be up to 120 or so too... not so great.. I am not too worried, I cant be too much of a wuss about some gestational diabetes... Really, I cant complain. The glucose tolerance test will be of interest to me, to see where I come up in numbers.

All that said, There was a chill in the air today, after three really nice days. 9It got up to 58 one day, and that was glorious) But Nolan started getting stuffed up a little.
This afternoon I kept reminding the boys to shut the door, because I could feel the chill in my sinus... And that put me in a bad mood, because I know just what that feeling means.
The tingling at the back of the nares, like you swallowed a freshly opened gulp of soda right out of a glass bottle... Fizzy like.
Damnit. I am getting sick again. WTH is wrong with me????
How can I just get sick again, I just got OVER beign sick, I should have some type of grace period!!!!
This is not fair. Not again. Its like my immune system just packed up and left the moment the egg was fertilized... "well... I can see where I'm not needed!" huffed my immunities, and walked out the door.
Then tonight, I decided to check the sugars. Four hour post prandial- 136. Now, I know, we all have elevated bg's with infection. But now I am thinking that the sugars are running high, and that is why I am catching everything that comes within a city block of me.
And I work at the hospital. Great.
I am currently pursuing other employment, some less intense nursing... Mental health field... see, that stuff is not contagious. I am so tired of working with infection. I never used to catch anything, but now... I may as well lay in bed and cuddle with all my patients, because no matter what precautions I take... all of this stuff is going around... Most of it is droplet- contracted-- much more easy to catch, esp if you have an ill fitting mask, or a patient coughs, gets a miniscule drop on your skin, you absorb it, and viola-- you have a contagious illness that is going to put you out for a week.
*sigh* Only 20 more weeks. I am halfway there...
On the bright side,
If I am diagnosed with GD-- I am going to ask the doc to put me on the animas pump-- Then I will give it to Nolan when I am done with it.
I am still the lucky one-- Gestational diabetes goes away after the baby is born...
This kid had better be something special... I will tell you that much. SOmething tells me it will be.

Its been awhile. To everyone who likes to read these blogs, I apologize. I have been worked over and run ragged as of late.
But today I feel like I have a new lease on life, or... even own one, imagine that.
I caught influenza B at work, and.... being all kinds of pregnant, became very very ill due to it, got dehydrated, and my electrolytes went all to hell in the crafty little handbasket we hear so much about when we talk of that trip.
I was knocked clean cold for two weeks straight. I could not move. and in the midst of the fevers, the hacking and vomitting, I started to become dehyrated.
It ran me over, killed me, took me to the cleaners, bedraggled me, zeroed me, played me out, and all the euphamisms you can think of, and then... it enlightened me.
When I was at the hospital getting some fluids, just plain old Nornmal Saline for me thanks, no twist of lemon, No I dont want to look at the dessert menu, just saline for me please.
Enlightenment. I know you want me to get back to the inspiration for this blog, and you know what? I will. right here. I was ever so slightly acidodic. Meaning, my body was spilling ketones, and eating itself. for a few days that went on.
Now.... When I learned what my levels were, I first said, (the nurse in me did anyway) "well no wonder i feel like such a load of S***." My doctor laughed. Then I blurted out, "Jeez. My son probably feels like this half the time."
My doctor silently nodded. Then he sent me for tests. I drove myself to the hospital, (probably shouldnt have) and the moment my head was clear, it jumped back into my mind.
The things I expect of him when he feels like hell.
Pick up your coat off the floor.
when he feels like he is the floor.
Get dressed and do a correction bolus, and for the love of all thats holy would you stop drumming on everything?
Do your homework.
Carry your laundry upstairs and put it away.
He never says a word.
He must feel like he took five benadryl half the time and entered a lard eating contest, (urpy that is to say) and then tried to run six miles.
The kid is amazing.
I need to cut him some serious slack.
I whimp out after a couple of weeks of it, and here he is taking it all in stride, and growing into a responsible young man while he's at it.

What the Hell is wrong with me?

School daze

Sometimes I get so mad that my head spins... I get to the point that I cannot even think straight. I want to break out of my own mind and scream... some type of release.... you know....
But I am grown. And I can't do that anymore.
I have to act my age and try to fit in with society. I can't get a mohawk to express my dissatisfaction with society anymore. I am like a hippie that stopped hipping and went to work for the man. That is me.
So I take my kids to school, and I hope that all goes well. I encourage them to have thier own opinions, and not to care what others think. It seems to me that my oldest has a good grasp on this. He really could not possibly care less, he is like me... or like I was...
But my youngest... He cares.
Now dont get me wrong here, I would never do what I did if I thought that school were anexceptionally educational, enlightening and provocative place for them, , then I would not let them miss a moment. But, since I do see school as a sort of hum drum experience, (not at the fault of the teachers, or the adminstration, it is at the fault of American priorities) I do not rely on school as a place for my kids to gather information, or a place for my childrens minds to flourish... I rely on my giving them unique experiences, and allowing them to think for themselves.
They are smart. And to me... the grades do not matter much at all.
So what I did was I took them to the vet with me and a new dog we had. One reason was that I was not sure tht the dog would be coming home. He seemed sick, and I thought that they would be telling us to have him put to sleep. I wanted them to understand why if it needed to happen.
So, I called school, told them my plan, and the office lady cheerfully said, "OK GREAT!" and hung up.
But when I dropped the kids off for school an hour late, they got "a talkin' to" by the office ladies, telling them that "That is NOT a good reason for calling in late!"
They could have told me that when I called, but I am grown... and for whatever reason, it is easier and comes more naturally for them to come down on little kids for something that they don't make decisions on in the first place.
So my kids told me about it the next day. I was mad. I called school immdeiately and the phone was answered by Janice, the lady who does lunch tickets.
"Apparently someone has been telling the boys why they can and can't be late...." I started, and Janice, who is the one that the boys told me got on them first, said, "I'll let you talk to Jean, she's the one that deals with this."
Jean was on the phone in a few moments. She thought I should talk to the principal about it. I told her that if they had a problem, or needed to get something off of their chest, they all have my phone numbers and can talk to me. Patrick gets stomach aches over being in "trouble" and it is MY fault not his...
My kids asked about if I talked to them about the whole ordeal or not and I told them, that I would be talking to principal Kollars soon...
That is when Nolan said it.
-- mind you... I do not allow my kids to be disrespectful to thier teachers, or principals... they KNOW they will catch hell for being disrespectful, and they also know that I do NOT stand behind them for thier wrongdoings... I am not "one of those" parents.-----

"Jean always says, 'Hurry up Nolan, I have other things to do!'" Nolan mocked a snotty, annoyed tone.

"Uh... what?" I shook my head to make room for this information, scooby doo style...
Nolan repeated himself
"Why does she tell you to hurry up?" I asked...
"when I'm bolusing."
uh huh. telling him to hurry up and take his insulin... hm... I dont like the sounds of this, but... lets give her one more way out before we assume fault here.
"Are you... taking a long time, or is it taking a while to add up the carbs... or are you farting around in the office, or... what is happening when she says this?" I ask, trying to use the most laid back tone ever...
"No," he is exaperated, "I dont know why! She says it right when I walk in the office!!!"
oh no she doesnt.
I felt my neck start to go, my head go off to the right... and all I could think is, "them is fighting words!!!"

Oh no. no she did not. Oh no. that is NOT going to happen. NOBODY is going to tell MY baby to hurry up and take his insulin ESPECIALLY someone who accidentally told him to bolus for what his blood sugar level was one time... 103.. after he'd eaten less than 30 carbs for lunch, then called me, saying that they did not have anything for him to eat to even that out...
Oh no she did not.
It was like Nolan could read my ready-to-fight-someone mind....
"she says that every time mom!"
I could feel my blood start to boil.

************************************************************************************
I have had one entire weekend to let this get better, or fester... and I must say that it has done a bit of both. I feel more put together about it, but I feel more angry too. The level of frusteration I have is not natural. I only wish something could be done, but to force adults to be nice to a kid that they dont want to deal with is just not easy to do.
I could hover over them daily and make sure they dont say anything mean to my kid.
His life is hard enough with Diabetes to deal with...
Let alone adults acting like complete jerks.

*sigh*
who could be mean to this kid.




You will have to turn your volume way up... it was windy.

Your nurse

Your relationship with your nurse can make or break your treatment in so many ways.
I am so happy to say that I LOVE Cheryl at Dr. Guptas office. She is quite possibly the most supportive and wonderful person I have dealt with in Nolans whole diabetic career.

If your nurse seems unhappy with her job... that should tell you something. If your nurse seems wholistic in her cares for your child... that should also tell you something.

I once fired a doctor I was going to, (you heard me, I fired her... you see... without you, THere is no job.. nobody to doctor. YOU have the right to go to as many doctors as you want until you feel like you are at the right one.)

I fired her because I could hear her throwing a fit from the waiting room. I could hear her yelling obsceneties at her nurses.

I wont contribute a dime to a person like that.
So I left, and I told her nurses why.

I dont imagine whe ever got the message, but at least I stpopped supporting someone like that.